Monday, November 7, 2011

The Cranky Divorcee

As was discussed in the comments, our couples last week were Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, and Cassell Sharpe and Lila Zacharov (I really do hope things work out for those two crazy kids!)  Moving on. Today we have two more anonymous advice seekers, each trapped by desire in their own way.

Dear Cranky Divorcee,

I married my school sweetheart.  We’ve had some good years, I’ll admit, but I think I made a mistake in marrying so young.  Now that the two of the kids are off to our old alma mater, we have less and less to say to each other, and things in the bedroom are even worse.  I thought I’d had enough excitement in my younger days to last me a lifetime, but I realize I’ve never had any real life experience with women. I’ve only kissed one girl besides my wife in my entire life, for god’s sake! I want to experience passion with all sorts of women, before I’m too old or dead.  But it’s not as though I can sneak around and have some delightfully sordid affair; the whole world-renowned hero thing puts a bit of a kink in it.  I don’t want a divorce, but I can’t go on like this.

Totally Famous

Most advice columnists would tell you to talk to your spouse about your feelings, and get some couples therapy. But you know what? I’m not really a fan of your spouse. She is so effing boring. So, I’m going to try and aid and abet you in doing shitty, immoral things.

I’m guessing your one of your best friends is getting just as bored with her husband. Let’s face it—opposites may attract, but they don’t make good spouses. Get together over drinks, put out a few feelers, and see how happy she is. The two of you could probably get away with things for a while, before either of your spouses caught on. Of course, that’s going to make it that much worse when they do find out, but we’re just thinking about you right now. I’d suggest the four of you could swing, but you know, the relationship between your spouses rules that out.  It’s too bad, really. The groupie route is another possibility. You must have hordes. Perhaps there’s higher risk, higher reward there? Food for thought.  

Having given you several horrible, evil suggestions, I will say that the most reasoned, ethical thing to do would be to go to your wife and ask her if you can have an open marriage. Something tells me that you, priding yourself on your honorableness, will do this, and she’ll say absolutely not. Then, you’ll find yourself back in the same place you started. Where you go from there is between the two of you and your prospective divorce attorneys.

Next: When will he find me?
Hi Cranky Divorcee!!

Not to brag or anything, but for the public and in the movies, I’m pretty much the quirky twee indie manic pixie girl of every guy’s dreams. I love to be pretend. I mean, even my name is fictional! So, in between baking vegan cupcakes (sooo good!) and making music and movies and knitting, I also just split with my husband L.  I know, it’s sad, but if you love someone set them free, and also, everything happens for a reason.

So, my question is, who will my public persona be with next? My ex fit with your idea of me (but let’s face it—he’s not exactly indie anymore).  Will it be someone up and coming? Or maybe somebody totally A list? I know it’ll be someone totally cool, who needs me to complete him. Who do you want me to be with? Who can I make happy?


In no particular order:
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Kris Kristofferson
3. Noah Baumbach
4. Zach Braff
5. That guy in that really cool band I’ve never heard of

When the universe is ready, he will find you. But really, Shiny, don’t worry. Things have a way of working out for saucer-eyed girls who can lay claim to so many adjectives.


  1. 1. Gad, I don't even...Aquaman?

    2. You know, -I- know that they want me to like Zooey Deschanel, and it bothers me that I like her anyway. The fucking company got me with the Zooey Deschanel. I think she's going to marry Dr Who, if my fan fiction is to be trusted.

  2. Hell, I like her too. But I was being cranky! I'm not that up on my Dr. Who; the last time I watched, I was very little. Phoebe has recommended I start with the David Tennant version. Btw, thanks for being my first follower who is not a blood relation.

  3. No problem. I'm sure you are soon to have thousands of followers, but in the meantime I like the idea of a blog that is being produced entirely for my benefit. :D

  4. Yeah, I feel like this is similar to the Save Child program—with only pennies per day/comments per post, you are sponsoring an Invisible Writer.

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