Our first letter last week was from Harry Potter, husband of Ginny Weasley. Forming one of the most boring fictional couples ever, they brought out the worst advice I could give. What can I say? Boredom calls up impulsive, bad, enjoyable ideas every time. Advice seekers: infuriate, delight, perplex and revolt me. But for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, don’t bore me. The second advice-seeker was the persona of Zooey Deschanel. Does her perfection bore? Perhaps. But she looks too much like a mammalian infant to allow me to ever hate her.
Onto the advice.
Dear Cranky Divorcee,
I grew up next to a rather wild young man, whose wealthy grandfather helped my sisters and mother in so many ways. The young man and I spent so much time together, that gradually we developed feelings for each other. My older sister has married, and is quite the little wife. But I long to live a different life; my secret dream is to be a writer. I know my little scribblings may not amount to much, but my soul burns to devote myself to my work. The young man I mentioned has just proposed to me. What shall I do?
Transcendent, you should say yes and never look back. There are moments that define the path your life will take. Rejecting his proposal will lead you to move far away from home, where you will fall in love with an elderly professor whose main attraction seems to be that he’s a father figure. You’ll end up marrying this professor, and giving up your literary ambitions to help him run a boarding school for hellions. You’ll shrink into a shadow who supports her man by taking on his dreams. But that frightening future doesn’t have to be.
Your wealthy young man, who you think you don’t love enough, will support your ambitions. In time, you’ll realize that you had what we now refer to as “daddy issues,” due to your father’s long absence while fighting in the war. Right now, you can’t see that you’re suppressing your feelings. Stop sabotaging yourself and take the easy route! If you don’t, your bratty but shrewd younger sister will snap up your suitor while he’s on the rebound from your rejection. She’ll pursue her artistic dreams, and end up with one perfect child, not a houseful of wild boys who never stop wreaking havoc. Remember: just because choosing him is easy doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Next: Destiny vs. Death
Dear Cranky Divorcee,
I thought I was a seventeen year old orphan living in Prague, who had been raised by strange, magical creatures. When I first met this angel, he was trying to kill me. But then we realized that I was the reincarnation of his forbidden love, a demon who had saved his life. So, I’m kind of torn. On the one hand, he and the other angels have killed my entire family. But we’re meant to be together. We’re soul mates! My destiny as a reincarnated demon is to complete my romance with this angel and live happily ever after! So, does it have to be a deal breaker if your boyfriend and his buddies kill almost everyone you love? Or is it okay if you had this amazingly tortured relationship in a past life?
P.S. He’s so hot!!
They say patience is a virtue, but it’s one I don’t possess, so I won’t try to dress up my advice with sympathy and understanding. Having a boyfriend kill your family goes so far beyond deal breaker that it requires a new catch phrase.
Imagine me thrusting my hands through the pages of your world and shaking some sense into you. This choice is utterly obvious. Stay away—far, far away—from your killer hunk. Perhaps breaking up with him won’t fulfill the dream of destiny and romance that your creator has for you, but really, who cares? You’ve got a lot going for you, what with the blue hair and spunky personality. This relationship from a past life is only bogging you down. Think about it this way—things didn’t work out for you then. Why should it be different in this life? Kick out that reincarnated spirit and live in the present.