Monday, April 16, 2012

The Cranky Divorcee: Her Kindest Month

Traditionally, the Cranky Divorcee wallows in the truism that this month of wildly shifting weather is to be endured, not enjoyed. But a steady diet of "Friday Night Lights" and sunshine has mellowed this columnist. Tonight's fictional advice seekers will receive the Divorcee equivalent of a hug and a pat on the head, (almost) sans crankiness. 

Dear Divorcee Lady,

My mom and dad just had a baby, and I’m totally feeling replaced. I broke up with my perfect boyfriend because he was boring me, and I’ve got this huge crush on an older guy called the Swede. I’m not really sure why everybody calls him the Swede. Maybe it’s because he smokes pot and doesn’t play football and only Europeans do that? Anyway, he’s not really into me. Such a jerk. The most annoying part is, my mom and dad act like they’re teenagers! They’re always making out like they’re young, which they’re totally not. Who should I date to completely piss them off?

-Dillon Drama Queen

Drama, you’re at such a special age. You’re awkward, rude and convinced that you know everything. You think that becoming your mom would be the worst fate in the world. You have no idea how lucky you would be. Your mom is living most grown women’s dream: a great marriage, fulfilling job, two lovely children and awesome hair. Granted, it’s TV hair, and a TV marriage, yet it seems so real. But you should be in no hurry to grow up, so I’ll suggest a few suitors who will make your parents insane. Tim Riggins (or better yet, his brother), the nameless juvenile delinquent who Lila Gerrity has befriended or Voodoo Taylor are just what you’re looking for. You seem like an ambitious girl, so why not date them all? I predict that by the end of the fifth season, you'll be happily reunited with Matt Saracen, or someone like him. That's just the nature of the magical world you live in, lucky girl.

Next: One Side of the Ubiquitous Triangle
Dear Miss Cranky Divorcee,

I feel so guilty I can hardly live with myself. I recently became engaged to the kindest, sweetest young man. Everyone says he doesn't have long to live; the magical drug that keeps him alive is also rapidly killing him. I care for him, but not as much as he cares for me. I am ashamed to admit that I harbor feelings for another young man in our strange household of angelic guardians. The second young man has been cruel to everyone he knows, creating a repugnant persona out of misguided guilt. Now that he's freed from the burden of that guilt, I'm drawn to him even more. I know that I must marry my fiancee, and make his final months on earth happy ones. But what do I do about my feelings for Will?


I'm not going to scold you for being attracted to the "bad boy" of your story and becoming embroiled in the kind of love triangle that has become a cliche in your genre. I will simply pose a question: at the end of the day, which choice will you be able to live with? If you marry the dying young man, you're not lying to him. You do care about him. Your attraction to the tortured will be fulfilled by either choice, but remember that you don't have to move so quickly, even in your antiquated era. Breathe. The death of your fiancee isn't a certainty, and you don't have to fixate on the romantic. How about figuring out what kind of being you are first? Solving that mystery would make you and your readers much happier.

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