The Cranky Divorcee Takes On BookRiot's Top Ten Made-Up Literary Couples

The temperature is hovering around 0 degrees, the alarm clock of insomnia woke me at 3 a.m, and there is no more wine. All signs point to my being exceptionally cranky. Buckle up, damas y caballeros.

As attentive readers may have gathered from my indiscretion, the first couple in last week's column were Eva and Franklin, the witless parents from We Need to Talk About Kevin. The second couple were Jane Timoney and her boyfriend Matt, from the U.S. television version of "Prime Suspect," which I learned has been cancelled. Curses upon the powers that be at NBC.

Tonight, I'm putting aside the letters from troubled souls who coexist in the same fictional universes to   indulge in some cranky anti-matchmaking.  What on earth does that mean? Recently, Amanda Nelson of BookRiot posted her Top Ten Made-Up Literary Couples. I feel it's my duty, as an advice columnist to the fictional, to review these potential matches and advise the couples on their chances of finding romantic bliss.  

1. Jane Eyre & Rhett Butler. 

Perhaps this pairing was inspired by a contrary impulse. I'm prone to them myself. But how on god's green earth could anyone think that these two characters would ever give each other the time of day? Let's review.

Jane Eyre

-Spiritual
-Reserved

-Intellectual 

-Impoverished but proud

Rhett Butler

-Gambles, drinks, swears, and hangs out with hookers

-Loyal only to himself

-Loves to play the bad boy
 -Comes from privileged old family who kept slaves.

Just in case our characters feel tempted to step outside their worlds and meet, I feel I must share a little information about the one with the other. Jane, Rhett Butler first meets Scarlett O'Hara, the love of his life, after eavesdropping on one of her tedious attempts to ensnare another man named Ashley (Long story; very dull). His response to her spoiled petulance was to laugh, needle, and encourage her. I'll cut to the chase: Scarlett is a Blanche. They'd get along famously. Could you ever love a man who could love a Blanche? No.

Rhett, if you met Jane, you'd feel compelled to ratchet up the "most mockingly polite gentleman that ever lived" bit, trying to get her to loosen up while reeking of booze. She'd barely speak, giving no hint of her emotional and intellectual reactions. And where would this meeting take place? Jane, you wouldn't be able to stomach the slavery of the antebellum South.  Rhett, you'd would take one look at any of the places Jane  lived and ask, "When's the next coach to London?"

Potential Happiness: Nil. Only a sadist would think to pair these two.  Now, if we were trying to pair up potential besties, Scarlett and Blanche would be unstoppable. I advise all of us in the "real world" to never shelve these books next to each. Just to be safe, I'd suggest separate rooms, if possible. 

Next week: The Cranky Divorcee takes on the potential pairing of Hermione Granger and Holden Caulfield.