The eternal winter of my discontent continues tonight. I was on the verge of throwing up my hands and letting Hermione Granger and Holden Caufield, from Amanda Nelson of BookRiot's list of the Top Ten Made-Up Literary Couples get together without my advice. They're kids; what does it really matter? But my better nature won out. Youthful ignorance isn't bliss, and it's my duty as an advice columnist to the fictional to pass along my hard-won wisdom.
Hermione, there are a few things you ought to know before you hook up with Holden. There are lots of guys who can be pegged as a "type" that you should date in your teens and twenties.These boys are like illnesses: you need to be exposed to them, suffer, and recover, in order to build an immunity. Let's examine a brief and incomplete list of types:
1. Angst Monsters
2. Musicians/Poets/Artists
3. Bad boys
4. Wounded Birds
Holden is a Type 4, with a healthy dash of Type 1. He's bright, entertaining, rebellious and thoughtful. He's also confined to a psych ward. So let's analyze where this relationship could possibly go.
 |
| (Image via The Sexy Little Nerd) |
(crickets)
That's right--nowhere! But that's all right. You should be with Holden to cure your savior complex. I'm not a fan of your relationship with Ron, so I may be a bit biased. But let's face it: Ron is not the brightest, funniest, or cutest. He's also not the least whiniest. He's not your equal, but with constant exposure to him, and limited opportunities to meet any another guys, you've come to expect that you should save the guy you're with from whatever trouble he gets into.
Hermione, as the girl who used a magical device to be in two places at the same time so that you could attend more classes, you aren't applying your thirst for knowledge to relationships. Holden is the perfect guy to experiment with. But be careful about ending the relationship. You don't want to get sucked into an endless cycle where:
 |
| (How I envision Holden: Kieran Culkin as Igby in "Igby Goes Down") |
1. You dump him.
2. He says, "I can't live without you. I'll kill myself!"
3. You take him back.
3. You take him back.
4. You get fed up again and dump him.
5. He plays the suicide card again.
Just as long as you go into the relationship with the realization that you can't "save" Holden, it should be educational and not overly disastrous. He'll get you to drop a little of that goody-two-shoes veneer, and you'll show him that the world is so much more magical than he imagined. Literally.
Holden, I'm not focusing on you because Hermione is too good for you, and you really need to grow up and work out your issues before you inflict yourself on another person. But in the short term, I think you'll learn a lot from Hermione, if you're open to the possibility.
 |
| (Image via NYT) |
The real question is, which fictional man has long term relationship potential for you, Hermione? I think I've found the perfect guy for you:
The Young Sherlock Holmes. He's brilliant, eccentric, and full of energy. You're practically mirror images. This could be a match made in heaven!
Children, I have exhausted my supply of wisdom for the day. I will resume swanning around my boudoir, cigarette holder in hand. Farewell until next week.
