The Cranky Divorcee: Black Friday Edition

As we endure the plague known as Black Friday that has descended across the land, The Cranky Divorcee answers questions from couples whose relationships have been altered by the question of commerce.

Last week’s couples were Jo March and Professor Bhaer, followed by Daughter of Smoke and Bone’s Karou and her eternally homicidal angel lover, whose name I can’t be bothered to remember.

Let’s begin.

Dear Miss Cranky Divorcee,

I rescued my crush’s sister from a sacrificial death at the hands of my people, but I’m not sure whether she likes me or not. She definitely runs hot and cold. We made out that one time, and she offered to again, but now I’m not sure where we stand.   She’s always criticizing me, and before I rescued her sister, she mostly acted like she hated me. Except for that time she beat the shit out of the other girl I had a crush on—is that a sign that she likes me?  I’m just worried that she’ll never see me as a normal guy.

Signed,

Dying

That’s “Ms.” to you, young man. Or rather, young man-like being.  I’m not entirely clear what you are, which has little bearing on your romantic problems, but irritates me nonetheless.   Whatever the answer may be, you’re certainly not normal, and that’s where the trouble lies.  I sense that you and this girl are destined to be friends, because once her gratitude over your heroism dies down, she’s going to focus more and more on the fact that your town pays for its good fortune by sacrificing its little kids to your people. 

Besides, your interest in her initially seemed to stem from the fact that she acted like she couldn’t stand you. It really blossomed when you realized you could save her sister. So, first you wanted her because you have low self-esteem, and then you really wanted her when you realized you could see a better version of yourself reflected through her eyes.  

You need someone who will treat you well without requiring heroic feats, which of course means you crave someone who will treat you like dirt.  She’s not good for you.  I may be exceptionally cranky today, because my inbox, online news sites, and airwaves have been invaded by those two little words I would kill to never hear again. Then again, pepper spraying people to get at the goods seems gentle in comparison to consuming small children.

  
Next: What's a little theft between lovers?

Dear Divorcee,

So, last you heard, I’d gotten over my fear of commitment, and decided to do the long-distance thing. It’s been going pretty well. Of course, Stanford is killer, and even though there are tons of cute boys around, me and my singer are still going strong. So what’s the problem? He’s coming to visit me, after touring for a while, and I’m worried things will be weird. I’m so excited to see him, but then he has to leave again. How do I make sure we have the perfect visit?

Thanks,

Heartbreaker

Long distance romances are tricky. But I’m more interested in why you’re with this stalker.  Make no mistake—he stalked you until you gave up, mistaking exhaustion for attraction. Then, he rode to fame on the song your father wrote for you, the one that you didn’t want him to play for you. What, exactly, is so attractive about him? If I were you, I’d dump him (again) and then sue him. Quirky musical optimists are everywhere. I’m sure you can find one or two at Stanford that won’t take the most sensitive part of your past and exploit it for profit.